For the past four weeks, my husband has been out of town. He's an engineer who works on those droney things that fly around in the war and shoot the bad guys. I know the technical term for it, but I'm kind of afraid to blog about it or he might have to kill me...or worse, scold me...I hate that...but that's another blog. When he got his master's in aerospace engineering, I realized that I was actually married to a rocket scientist which is cool, but also proves that I must not be so smart cause it took me 8 years (at the time) to figure that out. So, yeah, he's awesome and smart and making soldiers safer in the war and all, but because he's gone all the time, this leaves me to be the mother of our three little darlins....all by my bloomin self. This tends to make me resort to parenting techniques that no Dr. Dobson or that other parenting "expert" (whose name escapes me right now) would EVER suggest.. Therefore, I must blog about them.
Troy tucked the children into bed tonight, and as usual the "tuck in" didn't stick with the oldest and youngest. They were out of bed as soon as Troy went to bed and started snoring...So in my ever constant battle for an hour of quiet Mommy, veg on the couch time, I have resorted to my tried and true sneaky tactics. I will list them for you, but again, remember I am not Dobson or that other guy I can't remember. I keep wanting to call him Paul Finebaum, but that's the football dude, and I don't know enough about football really to make football references to parenting.
Anyway, here are my parenting tips for avoiding conflict with your little angels when your spouse is missing in action. Take it or leave it, but don't judge me. You're not actually raising MY children so they won't fit into YOUR cookie cutter idea of what good parenting techniques work.
#1. It's ok to lie to your children. In particular, learn the lie "I'm sorry, but I just don't have any money for....(whatever)" line. It's better than couponing. I used that one just now to get the kids to sleep...I said, "If you go lie down in YOUR bed and be really, really quiet, I will come up and tuck you in (again) in just a few minutes." I do hear snoring now upstairs..Ah...what a nice sound.
#2. Telling them that it's time to do chores will only cause a dark and mysterious fog of grogginess and cries of "I'm tired", and "She's not helping!" and you just don't want to deal with that..Instead, simply and calmly say, "If you don't put all the clothes that you flung all over your room back into the drawers, then the fabric fairy will come and take them all away." (Granted, this one works better on the 4 and under age group..If your kids are older like mine, YOU have to become the fabric fairy and threaten to take them away and then of course, follow through with the threat which always seems to be the hard part).
#3. When the rodent or fish dies, and the kids are at school, and you've flung the dead carcass out in the creek in the backyard, don't come clean or go to the trouble of burying the remains. Just say they got out or ran away. Or, in the case of the fish, just say, I don't know...it's a mystery!"
#4. Getting them up and out of bed in the morning can be like running a marathon. The best way to get them out of bed is to sing obnoxiously until they get up, get dressed and are well on their way to not getting back in bed. I suggest the "I'm Henry the Eighth I Am" song which worked so well for Patrick Swaze in the movie Ghost.
#5. Teach your children not to interrupt adults when they are talking...It will do two things..First, it will keep them from getting smacked by someone who hates to be interrupted. Second, it will make them look like respectful members of society for having the common courtesy that many adults lack now...The way to do this is to ignore them when they interrupt. Try not to turn too much of a deaf ear to them in case they're being attacked by a bear or snake or the house is on fire, but in general, if you are talking and they start talking, don't stop what you're saying, but by all means, call them on it afterward. Say, "My dear sweet child, when I am talking, you are not to interrupt me. I won't listen to you if you do that." If that doesn't work, resort to just moving your mouth without saying anything and make them think that they can't hear. This might only work in the car if you're alone with them...unless the rest of the family is on board with the prank.
I know.. I know...Being the parent and not the friend is really the serious way to go. "Tell them what to do, expect them to do it..It's ok to tell them 'no they can't have' and teach them to budget and help them deal with life issues like death of a pet". I'm just saying, if you're playing single parent or you just want to avoid conflict -or maybe have fun, then follow those tips to avoid conflict. Single parenting has made me sneaky, but I think my kids are turning out pretty good. We'll see I guess...Maybe I should blog about "denial" next.
Dementia isn't just getting senile. It's a legitimate, deadly and awful disease. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy especially not my Dad. But here we are. It's been a long road, and now...Hospice.
Friday, September 30, 2011
An acronym is born
I live in a city known for space travel, cool techno enterprises and stores that specialize in pocket protectors...(well, maybe that last one was a stretch). So, it shouldn't surprise anyone that I decided to make up an acronym. There are many here in Huntsville. Of course, there's NASA, (you should know this one) MICOM (an Army one), HHM (Huntsville Hospital Main) and a lot more that I'm already bored just thinking about. However, this morning in the shower (where all good ideas come to me because I have no way of writing them down), I thought of one to describe days when there is no time or energy to do all the things that just have to get done. I will warn you right now that it contains a bad word...not so much a REALLY bad word, but just a word used to describe a donkey...it's even in the bible. If you have a delicate disposition, click somewhere else right now because I'm about to spell it out...I'm not trying to cuss...I just needed a vowel..
What I came up with is S.C.A.B. which stands for "Stupid Crazy Ass Busy" day. It's an acronym, obviously, used to describe the crazy days I have. It's great cause when you're facing a SCAB day, you can't really pick at the SCAB, you just have to keep it clean and put the required medicine on it to let it heal naturally...I know, maybe it's a stretch, but it's also true.
Work, three kids, a husband who is gone (usually on the west coast) for long periods of time, and about ten other things for which I am, by my own fault, responsible. Just sitting here right now, I'm plagued with the thought that in less than 1 hour, I will have cracked the whip yet again on the three mini me's who would love to sleep in and make us all late. The clothes are set out (sorta)...the dog has been walked. I'll have to feed them all something for breakfast. One of the girls will probably be in a bad mood. (They take turns being the drama queen. Yesterday it was Abby's turn). There might be tears on the way to school. I might lose my temper and feel my blood pressure go up - And finally, it will happen - the magical moment when we finally get to school and I say (and they do too), "Love y'all!..Love you too Mom! Have a good day!" Then it's off to work and clock in after 8am when before 8am would have helped a lot..Then it's get bombarded for a few hours by the needs wants and complaints of around 16-18 patients and families who need to be treated as if they are the only patients in the whole hospital. Then, it's run back to school because it's Jacob's turn to be "star student" and that means the Mom is supposed to bring something cool to eat (I made the brownies last night)...THEN, it's quick grab the kids and head to the airport to pick up the husband who has been out of town all month. There will be a point in the evening tonight after Troy is home when I get in the car alone and drive to Starbucks and sit in a quiet corner, I will resist the urge to grab my knees and rock back and forth. That might draw unwanted attention to me. But, I digress...which is not uncommon
You see how this blogging thing is good for me? It's venting, but in a more controlled venue. Remember the movie "City Slickers" with Billy Crystal? In that movie, the old cowboy told Billy's character what the secret of life was. He told him it is "One thing". But he never says what the "one thing" was. That has bothered me ever since I saw that movie, and it came out in 1991. I assume that he meant pick one thing and do it well. That's all fine, well and dandy, until you realize that there is a lot in this life to do. It's hard to pick one thing, but I'm trying. I just don't want to let anybody down because maybe that's my one thing, pleasing my family. It's just that that particular one thing encompasses a whole bunch of other things. Maybe that's why the bible says, "Seek first the kingdom of God and all OTHER things will be added to you." (Matthew 6:33...but you knew that). I don't know. I got no answers here, but I got a cool acronym.
What I came up with is S.C.A.B. which stands for "Stupid Crazy Ass Busy" day. It's an acronym, obviously, used to describe the crazy days I have. It's great cause when you're facing a SCAB day, you can't really pick at the SCAB, you just have to keep it clean and put the required medicine on it to let it heal naturally...I know, maybe it's a stretch, but it's also true.
Work, three kids, a husband who is gone (usually on the west coast) for long periods of time, and about ten other things for which I am, by my own fault, responsible. Just sitting here right now, I'm plagued with the thought that in less than 1 hour, I will have cracked the whip yet again on the three mini me's who would love to sleep in and make us all late. The clothes are set out (sorta)...the dog has been walked. I'll have to feed them all something for breakfast. One of the girls will probably be in a bad mood. (They take turns being the drama queen. Yesterday it was Abby's turn). There might be tears on the way to school. I might lose my temper and feel my blood pressure go up - And finally, it will happen - the magical moment when we finally get to school and I say (and they do too), "Love y'all!..Love you too Mom! Have a good day!" Then it's off to work and clock in after 8am when before 8am would have helped a lot..Then it's get bombarded for a few hours by the needs wants and complaints of around 16-18 patients and families who need to be treated as if they are the only patients in the whole hospital. Then, it's run back to school because it's Jacob's turn to be "star student" and that means the Mom is supposed to bring something cool to eat (I made the brownies last night)...THEN, it's quick grab the kids and head to the airport to pick up the husband who has been out of town all month. There will be a point in the evening tonight after Troy is home when I get in the car alone and drive to Starbucks and sit in a quiet corner, I will resist the urge to grab my knees and rock back and forth. That might draw unwanted attention to me. But, I digress...which is not uncommon
You see how this blogging thing is good for me? It's venting, but in a more controlled venue. Remember the movie "City Slickers" with Billy Crystal? In that movie, the old cowboy told Billy's character what the secret of life was. He told him it is "One thing". But he never says what the "one thing" was. That has bothered me ever since I saw that movie, and it came out in 1991. I assume that he meant pick one thing and do it well. That's all fine, well and dandy, until you realize that there is a lot in this life to do. It's hard to pick one thing, but I'm trying. I just don't want to let anybody down because maybe that's my one thing, pleasing my family. It's just that that particular one thing encompasses a whole bunch of other things. Maybe that's why the bible says, "Seek first the kingdom of God and all OTHER things will be added to you." (Matthew 6:33...but you knew that). I don't know. I got no answers here, but I got a cool acronym.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Well, I'll just crawl back in bed then....Not.
For kicks and giggles and not for any real advice at all, I have my horoscope on my Google homepage. It is always entertaining and sometimes even freaky. I named this little blog "retroscope" because I like to make fun of "horoscopes". So, if horoscopes are supposed to predict the future, then my retroscope will report the past. I know that I have the advantage here because, obviously, the retroscope is just a recap of the days events. However, I can skew them to sound mystical and mysterious just as well as the horoscope people can...with 100% accuracy too. For instance, yesterday's retroscope would go something like this, "Today, your freaky house of Mars will be pouncing all over your Terra Firma because two of your offspring will constantly argue and cause your inner carma peace thingy to be askew"...Translated: "Your daughters will fight as usual and make you want to lock yourself in a tiny padded, sound proof room and sit clutching your knees and rocking back and forth....so just stay in bed." But of course, I couldn't do that. I had to go to work.
Which brings me to the actual horoscope for today and what prompted this blog. It says:
"Somber Saturn and your key planet Venus may issue you a harsh reality check today. Normally, you get along well with others at work, but now it could seem as if they are on your case as tenderhearted Venus runs up against stern Saturn in your 6th House of Employment."
Now, I don't know just how many houses of employment I have, but I'm pretty sure that I've had more than 6 jobs in my life, and in each one, reality checks were part of the day. On the days that I go to work, (with a caseload of usually at least 16 patients for a case manager depending on who I'm working for that day), I figure I have at least 16 chances to have a reality check which can sometimes not be so good. The other day, the horoscope said I would have a great day at work...which turned out to be just an ordinary day. But what aggravates me about horoscopes and why I like to poke fun at them so much is because I think they are deceptive...and I mean deceptive in the biblical sense. Anytime I start focusing on "what could happen" instead of the fact that God is on my side and no matter what happens, that won't change, then I am setting myself up for hurt. Wouldn't it be more beneficial to my soul if I took stock in these words?
"If you make the Most High your dwelling - even the Lord, who is my refuge - then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone. You will tread upon the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent. Because he loves me, says the Lord, I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation." Psalm 91: 9-16
I'd rather put my faith in something like that instead of some mystical "6th house of employment". God has saved me so many times I have lost track. Just the other day, I was almost t-boned on the road, but I wasn't hurt. Sometimes, there have been jobs (maybe those were the 5th houses of employment) that I thought would have been just awesome, but turns out, they would have been horrible. So, you can have the horoscopes...I'll stick to the retroscope and look to the "biblicalscope" for encouragement. Some parts of it are just as mystical, but I don't care. What I don't understand, I guess I'll ask the Lord in Heaven someday.
And with that kind of back up, (in other words, "if God is for us, who can be against us?"), then I can now go to work confident that no matter what happens, God is with me and will take care of it all. That's a reality check that won't bounce.
Which brings me to the actual horoscope for today and what prompted this blog. It says:
"Somber Saturn and your key planet Venus may issue you a harsh reality check today. Normally, you get along well with others at work, but now it could seem as if they are on your case as tenderhearted Venus runs up against stern Saturn in your 6th House of Employment."
Now, I don't know just how many houses of employment I have, but I'm pretty sure that I've had more than 6 jobs in my life, and in each one, reality checks were part of the day. On the days that I go to work, (with a caseload of usually at least 16 patients for a case manager depending on who I'm working for that day), I figure I have at least 16 chances to have a reality check which can sometimes not be so good. The other day, the horoscope said I would have a great day at work...which turned out to be just an ordinary day. But what aggravates me about horoscopes and why I like to poke fun at them so much is because I think they are deceptive...and I mean deceptive in the biblical sense. Anytime I start focusing on "what could happen" instead of the fact that God is on my side and no matter what happens, that won't change, then I am setting myself up for hurt. Wouldn't it be more beneficial to my soul if I took stock in these words?
"If you make the Most High your dwelling - even the Lord, who is my refuge - then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone. You will tread upon the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent. Because he loves me, says the Lord, I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation." Psalm 91: 9-16
I'd rather put my faith in something like that instead of some mystical "6th house of employment". God has saved me so many times I have lost track. Just the other day, I was almost t-boned on the road, but I wasn't hurt. Sometimes, there have been jobs (maybe those were the 5th houses of employment) that I thought would have been just awesome, but turns out, they would have been horrible. So, you can have the horoscopes...I'll stick to the retroscope and look to the "biblicalscope" for encouragement. Some parts of it are just as mystical, but I don't care. What I don't understand, I guess I'll ask the Lord in Heaven someday.
And with that kind of back up, (in other words, "if God is for us, who can be against us?"), then I can now go to work confident that no matter what happens, God is with me and will take care of it all. That's a reality check that won't bounce.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Wait...am I wearing pants?
I've been working at my job I actually get paid to do (a case manager at a rehab hospital) more lately cause of their high census which is nice. However, when I put on the working mother hat, that means I have to do all the things I would normally do in the day, when the little darlins are at school, at night. The hubby is out of town so any sudden emergency like realizing that you're out of juice boxes and you have to have them for the kids' lunches or snacks tomorrow at school becomes a big deal. Do I take all three kids with me to the store? Do I leave them with a neighbor for 15 minutes? Do I...no, of course, I do not leave them alone...What is the magic age that children can begin babysitting anyway?
So, of course, me and three load up in the car and off we go on the two mile journey which would normally take a reasonable person, about 15 minutes from start to finish, but since I am accompanying my minors, I'm envisioning lots of "No, you cannot have that $5 toy that is so strategically placed right to the eye level of the average child. No, you cannot have 4 quarters to put into a vending machine for a cheap plastic toy that I will either step on, or the dog will eat and we'll wind up having a Vet bill to add to the budget. No, you cannot"...Well, you get the idea.
It was a relief to me when we finally found everyone's shoes, clothes and my purse and off we go...Were juice boxes really worth this after all? Well, yes...because in the morning when we're scrambling to get out the door, it will be nice not to have to figure out something else. Yes, I know...water bottles have been invented, but calories are good for kids too... Anyway, when I came home from work, I had put on my comfy pj pants and t-shirt, and that was the extent of my nightly wardrobe. I was comfortable...until I realized that, yes, indeed, I was in the grocery store with my pjs on. At first, I thought, "Wait? Am I wearing pants?"...Well, yes, I was but they were the pj pants...The baggy ones with the big red and green plaid design on them. It wasn't even Christmas and I was wearing the colors. And of course, there was no make up on my face, and the hair was messed up...SO, and you know what's coming next...I ran into about five people I know. Three were from the kids' school, one was from high school and one was from a place I used to work. I fully expected to see the ex boyfriends lined up at the register. I should have known better, but by gosh, we got those darn juice boxes. I just hope I don't wind up on that "People of Wal-Mart" website...Now, that would be a blog entry.
So, of course, me and three load up in the car and off we go on the two mile journey which would normally take a reasonable person, about 15 minutes from start to finish, but since I am accompanying my minors, I'm envisioning lots of "No, you cannot have that $5 toy that is so strategically placed right to the eye level of the average child. No, you cannot have 4 quarters to put into a vending machine for a cheap plastic toy that I will either step on, or the dog will eat and we'll wind up having a Vet bill to add to the budget. No, you cannot"...Well, you get the idea.
It was a relief to me when we finally found everyone's shoes, clothes and my purse and off we go...Were juice boxes really worth this after all? Well, yes...because in the morning when we're scrambling to get out the door, it will be nice not to have to figure out something else. Yes, I know...water bottles have been invented, but calories are good for kids too... Anyway, when I came home from work, I had put on my comfy pj pants and t-shirt, and that was the extent of my nightly wardrobe. I was comfortable...until I realized that, yes, indeed, I was in the grocery store with my pjs on. At first, I thought, "Wait? Am I wearing pants?"...Well, yes, I was but they were the pj pants...The baggy ones with the big red and green plaid design on them. It wasn't even Christmas and I was wearing the colors. And of course, there was no make up on my face, and the hair was messed up...SO, and you know what's coming next...I ran into about five people I know. Three were from the kids' school, one was from high school and one was from a place I used to work. I fully expected to see the ex boyfriends lined up at the register. I should have known better, but by gosh, we got those darn juice boxes. I just hope I don't wind up on that "People of Wal-Mart" website...Now, that would be a blog entry.
A note about bullying....or in general just being a jerk....
It's an intimidating little thing...that blinking cursor. Making me think someone actually might read something I write and - gasp - comment on it. Why do I think I need the approval of others for anything? This little life lesson was brought home to me this week when I was putting on my counseling hat for my 10 year old to help her through a situation at school. Pre teen girls can be so mean. It reverted me back to my elementary school years which I hated and where I always felt very alone. I realized that my mom used to say the same thing to me, and I remembered how I thought that she was just saying those things cause she was my Mom and she had to. I wanted to make sure that my daughter knew this was true...even though I am her mom...
I told her, "It's ok Sweety, there is nothing wrong with you. I'm sure they like you, and if they don't that's their problem. You are pretty, smart and very friendly so why in the world would anybody in their right mind not want to be your friend? And why in the world would you want to be their friend if they are mean to you?" That was the burning question. One which, as I get older and older (I'm 43), I think about often. I wish that we would all "just get along" and treat everyone the way we want to be treated. I wish we did think of others and how they might feel if they are left out of something fun. I wish..but I don't know what to do about it except to try and teach my kids to remember how they feel when they are excluded...either intentionally or by accident, and not treat other people that way. I don't know what to do with this situation. "When you get to college, somehow, the bullies seem to go away." But even that can be untrue. How do we help our kids develop that tough alligator skin without developing the teeth that come with it? It breaks a mother's heart, and stirs up a helpless anger inside me that I haven't felt in a long time.
SO, I reverted to humor...or at least my version of it...I started mimicking the girl who is bullying my daughter. I slicked my hair back like she wears it and stuck my nose up in the air and pretended to be her and started taunting my daughter. The laughter was like salve to my soul. "Do it again Mom...That's hilarious!" I did it again and again until we were both laughing and crying at the same time. Maybe that's the only way through something like that...Maybe laughter is the best medicine...unless, of course, you have something like TB...
-Yvette
I told her, "It's ok Sweety, there is nothing wrong with you. I'm sure they like you, and if they don't that's their problem. You are pretty, smart and very friendly so why in the world would anybody in their right mind not want to be your friend? And why in the world would you want to be their friend if they are mean to you?" That was the burning question. One which, as I get older and older (I'm 43), I think about often. I wish that we would all "just get along" and treat everyone the way we want to be treated. I wish we did think of others and how they might feel if they are left out of something fun. I wish..but I don't know what to do about it except to try and teach my kids to remember how they feel when they are excluded...either intentionally or by accident, and not treat other people that way. I don't know what to do with this situation. "When you get to college, somehow, the bullies seem to go away." But even that can be untrue. How do we help our kids develop that tough alligator skin without developing the teeth that come with it? It breaks a mother's heart, and stirs up a helpless anger inside me that I haven't felt in a long time.
SO, I reverted to humor...or at least my version of it...I started mimicking the girl who is bullying my daughter. I slicked my hair back like she wears it and stuck my nose up in the air and pretended to be her and started taunting my daughter. The laughter was like salve to my soul. "Do it again Mom...That's hilarious!" I did it again and again until we were both laughing and crying at the same time. Maybe that's the only way through something like that...Maybe laughter is the best medicine...unless, of course, you have something like TB...
-Yvette
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