Motherhood and sneakiness....a winning combination

For the past four weeks, my husband has been out of town.  He's an engineer who works on those droney things that fly around in the war and shoot the bad guys.  I know the technical term for it, but I'm kind of afraid to blog about it or he might have to kill me...or worse, scold me...I hate that...but that's another blog.  When he got his master's in aerospace engineering, I realized that I was actually married to a rocket scientist which is cool, but also proves that I must not be so smart cause it took me 8 years (at the time) to figure that out. So, yeah, he's awesome and smart and making soldiers safer in the war and all, but because he's gone all the time, this leaves me to be the mother of our three little darlins....all by my bloomin self.  This tends to make me resort to parenting techniques that no Dr. Dobson or that other parenting "expert" (whose name escapes me right now) would EVER suggest.. Therefore, I must blog about them.

Troy tucked the children into bed tonight, and as usual the "tuck in" didn't stick with the oldest and youngest.  They were out of bed as soon as Troy went to bed and started snoring...So in my ever constant battle for an hour of quiet Mommy, veg on the couch time, I have resorted to my tried and true sneaky tactics.  I will list them for you, but again, remember I am not Dobson or that other guy I can't remember.  I keep wanting to call him Paul Finebaum, but that's the football dude, and I don't know enough about football really to make football references to parenting.

Anyway, here are my parenting tips for avoiding conflict with your little angels when your spouse is missing in action.  Take it or leave it, but don't judge me.  You're not actually raising MY children so they won't fit into YOUR cookie cutter idea of what good parenting techniques work.

#1.  It's ok to lie to your children.  In particular, learn the lie "I'm sorry, but I just don't have any money for....(whatever)" line.  It's better than couponing. I used that one just now to get the kids to sleep...I said, "If you go lie down in YOUR bed and be really, really quiet, I will come up and tuck you in (again) in just a few minutes." I do hear snoring now upstairs..Ah...what a nice sound.

#2.  Telling them that it's time to do chores will only cause a dark and mysterious fog of grogginess and cries of  "I'm tired", and "She's not helping!" and you just don't want to deal with that..Instead, simply and calmly say, "If you don't put all the clothes that you flung all over your room back into the drawers, then the fabric fairy will come and take them all away." (Granted, this one works better on the 4 and under age group..If your kids are older like mine, YOU have to become the fabric fairy and threaten to take them away and then of course, follow through with the threat which always seems to be the hard part).

#3. When the rodent or fish dies, and the kids are at school, and you've flung the dead carcass out in the creek in the backyard, don't come clean or go to the trouble of burying the remains.  Just say they got out or ran away. Or, in the case of the fish, just say, I don't know...it's a mystery!"

#4.  Getting them up and out of bed in the morning can be like running a marathon.  The best way to get them out of bed is to sing obnoxiously until they get up, get dressed and are well on their way to not getting back in bed.  I suggest the "I'm Henry the Eighth I Am" song which worked so well for Patrick Swaze in the movie Ghost.

#5. Teach your children not to interrupt adults when they are talking...It will do two things..First, it will keep them from getting smacked by someone who hates to be interrupted.  Second, it will make them look like respectful members of society for having the common courtesy that many adults lack now...The way to do this is to ignore them when they interrupt.  Try not to turn too much of a deaf ear to them in case they're being attacked by a bear or snake or the house is on fire, but in general, if you are talking and they start talking, don't stop what you're saying, but by all means, call them on it afterward.  Say, "My dear sweet child, when I am talking, you are not to interrupt me.  I won't listen to you if you do that."  If that doesn't work, resort to just moving your mouth without saying anything and make them think that they can't hear. This might only work in the car if you're alone with them...unless the rest of the family is on board with the prank.

I know.. I know...Being the parent and not the friend is really the serious way to go.  "Tell them what to do, expect them to do it..It's ok to tell them 'no they can't have' and teach them to budget and help them deal with life issues like death of a pet".  I'm just saying, if you're playing single parent or you just want to avoid conflict -or maybe have fun, then follow those tips to avoid conflict.  Single parenting has made me sneaky, but I think my kids are turning out pretty good.  We'll see I guess...Maybe I should blog about "denial" next.